I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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