so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
