For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
