He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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