its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
