I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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