Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
