He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
