i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
