...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
