In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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