im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize