everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
