stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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