i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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