apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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