Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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