I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
