Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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