Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
