All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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