I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
