T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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