Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
