He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
