Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
