she woke up with a sticky ear
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
