My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
