dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
