So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
