I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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