I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
