Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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