dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
