Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
