Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
