Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
