how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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