Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
so much tequila, so little girl.
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