OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
