Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
