Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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