dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I feel like a drive thru vagina
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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