Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
