my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
