Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
