Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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