a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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