Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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