I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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