I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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