either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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