I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
