i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
