Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize