please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
