I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
