Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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