Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
