You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
