I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
