You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
