I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
